There was a time when I thought it would be great to teach in a bible college or seminary someday. I seriously imagined myself doing that. I thought if I was able realize that dream and achieve that goal I would finally be playing in the big leagues. 24/7 I carried around this picture in my head about what I wanted my life to look like. And what on the surface appeared as an honorable desire, actually became something of an unhealthy obsession because I began to connect this idealized scenario to my sense of identity and self-esteem. My fixation with the future robbed me of enjoyment in the present.
Eventually my human ambition gave way to my divine design. I simply didn’t have the academic chops to get a doctorate in my field of study at the school of my choice. I survived my undergrad and grad programs with a GPA somewhere between C+ and B-. Some people graduate summa cum laude, when I was trying to get through school I said, “Laude cum summa!” When “the roll is called up yonder,” I’m glad my transcripts won’t be there. Part of the deal was I was almost 30 when I got serious and focused about studying, and eventually I reached a point where my educational mojo was running on fumes. The other thing was I overloaded myself with ministry while also trying to meet assignment deadlines. But it’s all good, because I’m now in a place of contentment not resentment. I’m comfortable in my own skin because I AM that I AM made me who I am. Like you, I’m a spiritual snowflake. In terms of God-given unique personhood there will never be another you. And in that same sense there will never be another me. And like you, if you know Messiah, the circumstances of my divinely ordained life script have not been ridiculously random, but providential and ultimately redemptive; and also preparatory for a specific individually customized ministry that God has designed and intends for only me to do.
During this season of the journey, in addition to doing Jewish related topics in churches, and Messianic pastoral ministry, I’m also pumped about assisting “lay” people and pastors with limited training opportunities, in acquiring the knowledge and skills required for evangelism, apologetics, inductive bible study, and spiritual mentoring. And if that’s as good as it gets, I’m okay with that. In fact I’m more than okay with that. I fully embrace being a “small time” guy serving a big-time God.
Perhaps you’re deeply disappointed over how some things never became true for you. If so, I encourage you to look at the big picture. Despite whatever dreams and goals were never realized, regardless of any holy passions that were never fully expressed, you have processed enough life to significantly bless and even mentor someone else who has processed a little less. It seems to me that such an attitude helps us avoid the pit of what might have been, and live in the land of what is to the glory of God.